You don't expect to not be able to go to the funerals of those you loved, but
what if they are only dead to you? What if the funeral is in your mind?
Walking around here is like being in a ghost town, a pitiful feeling in your stomach that
hurts increasingly more near bodies of water, particularly the ones that we swam in
together.
The dreams are hectic. You are always preaching in them, or dead. And when you are dead,
, everyone knows it, and not just me. Which is the opposite of what it feels like when I am awake.
But that seems to make it worse, when everyone knows, because they are all allowed to mourn, and I must act like I never knew you at all. Which is similar to what it feels like when I am awake.
Sometimes people ask me what its like to not talk to you anymore, to not have you there....
I try not to cry when I answer them, or rather, I try not to punch them really hard for asking such a ridiculous question, or worse, punch myself for feeling bad at all.....
Anyway I ususally say something poetic like
" It's like living with a ghost"
or if I am feeling extremely prolific I might say..
"its like someone burned the library---no trace of memory except what i could run out with before the fire--------"
